Boundaries and fight

Boundaries have come up in a lot of sessions recently. Did you know that being able to express boundaries, and having a healthy relationship to our anger, is connected to the fight response of our nervous system?

Fight is a survival response. It supports animals (including humans!) to claim territory, to hunt, to protect and defend when a threat arises. It shows up emotionally as anger, and we’re used to seeing and experiencing this energy in its big, reactive expression, or in its repressive expression as passive-aggression and manipulation.

Both of these are destructive. Explosions create immediate damage and sometimes permanent rupture, and passive aggression is like death by a thousand cuts for both people involved. Sound familiar? And this is not to shame those expressions - we come by them honestly - but asking, does it get us what we really want? Do we know what it is we really want?

Fight (and anger) is not inherently good or bad. It’s like a sword - neutral, with a lot of power and potential. Like a sword, how it’s wielded will decide what impact it has. And like a sword, we can build skills in how to wield its power with purpose.

You might be wondering, what good can anger and fight possibly do? This is a very good question, and something I’m super passionate about, so allow me to share.

To start with, when it’s not in an active threat response, this powerful energy is about action, claiming territory, asserting the right to be here, and standing our ground. It’s grounding. It helps us maintain presence, strength, capacity and endurance to withstand the wild weather that life sometimes throws our way.

When we are present and connected to our right to exist, we are more connected to our needs and desires, and we have the life force energy available to hunt, to go after what we want and make it happen, to take care of our needs, and the needs of those we love.

We can more easily tap into our inner compass, instinctively and intuitively knowing the next right move, and take action. We don’t stay stuck. And because we’re taking care of our needs, we feel more resourced, more full, so we have more energy to act.

When we have access to fight energy in our nervous system, when it’s not in an active threat response, we feel more naturally alive. We have more mental and emotional clarity, clear yeses and nos, and because we are taking care of ourselves, we can take care of each other much better. We can use this energy to feel more emotionally safer, to meet difference with curiosity and care, because we know we have the ability to protect and defend ourselves if needed.

We are able to assert our boundaries, hear and respect others' boundaries, and we have the resilience to engage in creative conflict. We can protect and defend ourselves at the level the moment calls for, trusting our instincts as well as our conscious awareness in this, whether that’s big or small.

And this one is underrated: we can create space, give ourselves a breather, and slow down the pace if we need to.

Now, all of this is relational. When we are standing strong in our healthy fight, our individuality, we are still connected to the environment around us, including other humans. And connection is a fundamental, biological need. We don't survive in isolation. We have evolved to turn towards each other in times of challenge, and our bodies literally soak up nourishment when we feel deep connection.

And this is where it gets tricky. On one hand, anger and fight is about drawing a line in the sand, delineation between self and other, protection and defence, and it is connected to endings. And on the other, we are relational beings. If our protections and defenses outstay their usefulness, we become isolated. Those relational endings also might mean isolation. And isolation can equal death to our animal body.

It’s a double bind, and one a lot of people struggle with. How do we balance our individuality, our personal needs and safety, with our need for connection? Even more challenging, how do we do this within a conflict?

Do we avoid endings, conflict and asserting ourselves altogether, hold back, and stay small? Do we end or leave abruptly, rather than face the possibility of loss? Or do we end in a really big way, or end things first, as a way to feel in control, so we avoid the vulnerability of the ending? Do we stay and fight for connection, regardless of whether the other person is capable of connection, or hearing us, or meeting us? We humans have created so many ways to avoid conflict, and therefore our own well of power.

What if there’s another way? What if you could stay in connection with yourself, maintain connection to the other during conflict, and find resolution?

What if you could repair after a rupture, so that trust and connection grows deeper, with yourself and/or the other?

And if a clear ending is needed, what would it be like to stay connected to the humanity of another, without blaming, shaming, or feeling guilty, while holding a very strong boundary? What would it be like to have nuanced boundaries in complicated relationships? What would it be like to direct your love, attention, creativity and care towards folks who can actually receive it, and reciprocate?

What if your boundaries were so embodied that they emanated out of you and the other human animals around you knew not to fuck with you, without you having to say anything - and, they also felt safer to be around you? What if you could have your individuality, and deep connection? And more energy for the things you love? (it's possible)

Because ultimately, a healthy relationship to fight, to our anger, gives us have the courage to be more authentic versions of ourselves, live with a higher level of integrity and congruence in our words, actions and presence, and deeper connection with the whole world around us.

This is the kind of embodied experience that working with the nervous system through somatic therapy can support - this is the work I do. I particularly love working with sensitive people who feel it all. Embodied boundary work can deepen your ability to feel, without being overwhelmed; support you to find clarity for right action; and surround yourself with support and nourishment.

Now, how long does this kind of transformation take? It depends on an individual’s past and present life experiences, how much work they’ve done to date. Especially with deep ruptures, this kind of work can often take more than one session, sometimes many, and I do that work with my online clients, because relational safety takes time.

But if you’ve been working on these topics, sometimes it can take just one session with an attuned therapist, with your agency, pace and experience fully at the centre, to have a shift in the bedrock of your being, towards more authenticity, congruence and embodied power.

I love to facilitate reconnection to healthy fight, and have a lot of practical tools to build capacity and maintain embodied healthy fight, from the ground up. The same tools are also beneficial for explosive tendencies, to learn to contain and channel this energy constructively, rather than destructively. How good is that?

If you’d like support with boundary work and developing a relationship with healthy fight, my books are open to new clients. You can find time for an intro call here or book your first session.